Monday, January 9, 2023

Everyday the Sun Won't Shine, but That's Why I Love Tomorrows

    Tomorrow's the big day. The day I finally find out if I have cancer. I have to type it out just like that because that's literally what tomorrow is for me. It's not just a doctor's appointment, its finding out if I have cancer. Let's just say I am not feeling the most positive. Nothing has changed, but I don't know my optimism is drowned out by the fear of hearing that dreaded c-word. Yesterday was my crying day, but today is my "Damn, I really might have cancer" day and I am deep in my thoughts.

    I am so grateful for the support that I have going into this, but it is that support that also brings tears to my eyes. The question I keep asking myself is: Why would this happen right now, when I have so much to lose? I know it seems like a dramatic sentiment to think, but sadly that's where I am. I look at my two boys and it's hard to not cry and think about not seeing them grow up. My husband kisses me on my forehead and I think about the years of bad men that led me to him and how much more time I want to spend with him. I am down a dark rabbit hole.

    It takes me back to when I first went to the doctor's to see about my knee. I pushed it off for months until finally my husband got sick of me waking him up in the middle of the night in tears from the pain. When I finally made the appointment he asked what I was so nervous about. Even then I had fears that this was more than just a tear or pulled muscle, like many of my family and friends hoped. My exact words to him were: That there's literally a tumor there and it's caused my leg to go haywire. He shrugged it off as my dramatics, but thanks to google, it seems I was right on track. 

    The one glimmer of hope that tomorrow brings is that I am getting answers. Answers I have wanted for months and a surgery date that will finally relieve this pain. I tried to hold onto that today and that's what pulled me through. As well as these lyrics: Everyday the sun won't shine, but that's why I love tomorrows.

Pray for me y'all.

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