Saturday, January 28, 2023

A Scared Black Mama

    Before having kids, I was very out of touch with what went on with the world. I was young, free, and very unaware of what was going on around me. Deaths in the black community are not a new thing, but in my very ignorant bubble I tried to ignore it. Hard to ignore growing up in Philly, but when your parents send you to private school for most of your life it is easy to feel a little removed from it all.

    Although there were many more before her, the first death I can remember that was largely publicized was the Sandra Bland murder. From the traffic strop confrontation to her untimely death in jail, something about the story really hit home for me. She was a black women just living her life that ultimately ended up....dead

What was stopping that from being me?

    Fast forward to now, I have two black sons. Two black sons that one day can be doing nothing at all and someone can look at them as a 'threat'. How scary is that? I pretty much changed my whole life around to be able to stay home with them these past few years. It started out because of the pandemic, but eventually I just felt they were safer at home.

    Between black shootings, mass shootings, and everything else you see online, I barely want my kids stepping foot in a school. I get anxiety when they are even out of my sight for too long. Every time I seriously start looking into childcare, my mom anxiety goes through the roof and I find a reason to put it off. I saw a tweet recently, that I think might be a little bit what I am going through.

    With the recent killing of Tyre Nichols going around social media, I chose to stay off of it today. I can't stomach another video of an innocent black person dying, with no ounce of direction on how this can get better. The only question I continuously ask myself is, how can this world get better for my kids? 

This question I will continue to ask myself until I see some change in this world and I pray I do soon.

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